The Covid-19 Diaries: Day 9

Not Okay

For those of you familiar with the music of My Chemical Romance, it will perhaps be telling that tonight I find myself comforted by listening to their back catalogue. In the words of one of their better known songs, “I’m Not Okay!”

Today has been the hardest so far with some of our services at work having to be reduced. I shouldn’t complain. I’m getting paid full wages for doing less work in that live remote lectures are being suspended for the foreseeable future on the basis that exams have been postponed. I don’t know why this upsets me so much. Maybe it’s because up until now I’ve been able to pretend that it’s business as usual.

My heart goes out to everyone who cannot do their job at all because of the nightmare that is Coronavirus. My 18 year old works at McDonalds and hasn’t been able to work for over a week now but I haven’t once seen her cry. But tonight here I am, twice her age and crying like a baby because the fortnightly live remote lectures with my students are cancelled. I am clearly not coping with this situation as well as I thought I was!

I’m trying to find the positives – I feel more tuned in and connected to the collective tonight than I have in a long time. On a personal level, I will have time to mark more coursework than I would otherwise have had. And, both me and all those that I love and care about are safe and well. I’m almost angry at myself for being upset over a work issue which, in the grand scheme of things, is something and nothing.

I always say that I’m not religious as I do not follow just one faith, but I am spiritual in that I do have faith that things happen for reasons that I do not always understand, but that always seem to somehow work out for the best. As heartbroken, sad and afraid as I feel tonight, I know that these feelings will pass and all will be well again. I guess I wouldn’t be human if this situation didn’t affect me at all from time to time:

“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’

‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”

George R R Martin, A Game of Thrones

In that case, I guess at least I’m brave tonight then because I am quite terrified in this evening’s mini-meltdown!

I’m sure that I’m not alone. Everyone, all over the world, regardless of nationality, colour, sexual orientation, faith, gender or class, is going to be affected by Covid-19. It is, if nothing else, non-discriminatory in its reach.

But we are brave, even in the face of fear and frightening statistics and realities.

I’ve had a wobble tonight but I know I’ll be fine tomorrow. I guess I wrote this in case anyone else is feeling the same to let them know that they aren’t alone.

Stay safe, stay strong and stay sane – we got this 🙂

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